Culturally, we often feel obligated to accept an invitation just because someone was thoughtful enough to extend one. Twice this week I was almost put into uncomfortable or unpleasant social situations, and each time, I was able to duck out of them politely without causing hurt feelings.
When invited to spend time with a friend from out-of-state, she suggested we meet up with acquaintances from school, as she had been invited to a gathering of theirs. It's not like I do not like the people from school; I just hardly knew them then, and hardly know them now, but know them enough to know we have nothing in common. But, I only see my friend about once a year, so I became conflicted.
My first inclination was to agree to meet my friend at the gathering as she suggested. Seeing her there would be better than not at all, I reasoned. But, the more I thought about spending time awkwardly in the presence of near strangers, the more uncomfortable I became. There would be little time to spend with my dear friend, as I would politely share my attention with the half a dozen others at the gathering, make conversation, and an honest effort to show interest in their interests. This was starting to sound like a lot of work and not much fun at all.
So, I decided to take a chance and be open and honest with my friend about my feelings. I kept the focus on me.
I told my friend I would rather spend time with her and maybe one other close friend instead, and that I would not be comfortable going to the gathering.
Turns out, she really didn't want to go to the gathering, either, and was glad I declined. It solidified her decision to decline as well. We made plans for three of us, who are close, to meet instead. Now, I get to look forward to spending time with people I care about instead of trying to shoehorn myself into an awkward situation.
Phew!
I'm fortunate to have the kind of friends I can be plain spoken with. But, there have been times that I have been invited to events by people with whom I like but am not close with, and needed to politely decline without providing details. I have discovered that I can do this with appreciation for the invitation and honesty.
How to politely and honestly decline an invitation: "Thank you for inviting me, but I'm just not going to be able to make it." Don't elaborate. You showed gratitude for the host's kindness, and you politely declined. That's all that is needed. And, it's an honest answer. You do not have to give a reason.
Maybe you're not feeling well, but don't want to reveal the fact and have more questions asked. Maybe you need some time to contemplate a major life decision. Maybe you can't stand the host's girlfriend and would rather stick a hot poker in your eye than spend several hours in her company. There are an infinite number of possibilities, all of which are good enough reasons to avoid being social and don't need to be shared.
Just remember to be kind in your response.
Every once in a while, someone will ask why you can't make it (which is terribly inconsiderate). Simply reply, "It's just not possible," and intentionally look a little awkward. For all they know, you could have a doctor's appointment to discuss a delicate health matter or a meeting in a dark alley to pay off the guy you hired for an assassination. It's truly none of the host's business.
And, perhaps you should reconsider ever spending time with someone who would not respect a simple and polite "no."
