Put on all of your makeup except mascara. This is very important.
Do your hair except for the finishing touches. Put it up temporarily if it’s long. Just get it out of your way.
Put on the Spanx. Yeah, we all wear them.
Grab the wire coat hangar or twine. Loop it through the zipper head. Realize this zipper head doesn’t have a loop. Try not to cry (hence, no mascara, yet).
Turn the air conditioner on full blast. Stand in front of it. Slip on the dress.
Zip dress up as far as you can with arms behind you. Grab the back collar of the dress and try to make the two sides meet so you can zip it up the rest of the way.
Realize that no matter how much yoga you do, you’re NEVER going to reach the zipper head. Try not to cry again.
Pull your arms through the sleeves and allow the dress to flop around your waist. Try to spin the dress sideways without also making your Spanx all crooked. Use your favorite swear words.
Get the zipper to move up to where you think you might be able to grab it. Carefully spin it back around. Carefully put your arms back in and try to zip it up again. Swear loudly because you didn’t quite get it. Strand in front of the air conditioner for a minute and try not to cry again.
Repeat until you can reach that *%@$ zipper head. Success!
Realize you now have to pee. Try not to cry. It’s only the Spanx that have to move this time. Do your business. Smooth out the Spanx again so people have to wonder whether you’re wearing any.
Put on your mascara.
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